college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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