Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
