just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
