I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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