So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
