Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
