I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
