So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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