I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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