Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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