Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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