I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
