Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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