so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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