I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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