Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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