I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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