if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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