I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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