dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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