broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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