my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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