I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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