Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
