You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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