Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
