Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
