remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
