Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
