Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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