i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
