My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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