I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
