My hand turned me down
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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