Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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