dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
