I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
