i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
