I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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