all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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