oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
