On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Soap is not a condiment
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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