Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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