this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As shirtless as possible
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
