Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
