Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
