would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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