Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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