I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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