When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
