Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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